Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Follow my Humorous yet Insightful Quote of the Day by Email:

Funny Quotes about Subsistence

Man tends to increase at a greater rate
than his means of subsistence.
- Charles Darwin

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin

I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter

Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain


Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.