Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong
Is there a difference between humorous quotes and funny quotes? I think there is... Quotes that are called humorous are generally more subtle and tend to carry a deeper message than quotes we label "funny." I have assembled these quotes to shine a light on the underlying nature of life and love, as well as to make you laugh. I have focused on quotes and sayings that are inspirational or motivational as well as humorous.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Stupid is as stupid does.
- Forrest Gump (1994)
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous
When life gives you lemons, Make Lemonade.
- Anonymous saying
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
The road to success is always under construction.
- Lily Tomlin
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin
The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)
A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Anonymous
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
I love my attitude problem.
- Anonymous
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority,
it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
- Epictetus
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
- Isaac Asimov
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
- Amelia Earhart
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor
One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.
- Peter F. Drucker
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Anonymous
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein
It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
- Epictetus
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump
The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous quote
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
- Amelia Earhart
You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
- Dwight Eisenhower
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
See Funny Quotes.
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.