Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Follow my Humorous yet Insightful Quote of the Day by Email:

Funny Quotes about Glisters

All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told.
Many a man his life hath sold
but my outside to behold.
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
- William Shakespeare

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson

Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov

Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill

Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

It's not clutter, it's my unique filing system.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty

The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie


Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.