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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Dogs

I am fond of pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

Some people wanted champagne and caviar
when they should have had beer and hot dogs.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Some days you're the dog,
and some days you're the hydrant.
- Anonymous

How many legs does a dog have
if you call the tail a leg? Four.
Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
- Abraham Lincoln

Make a conscious choice to live
a serene and stress-free life.
Stress is always waiting just outside your door
like a vicious wild-dog.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker.
A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.
- The Buddha

Stress is always waiting
just outside your door
like a vicious wild-dog.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

What counts is not necessarily
the size of the dog in the fight -
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower quoting Mark Twain

If you call a tail a leg, how many legs has a dog?
Five? No, calling a tail a leg don't make it a leg.
- Abraham Lincoln

Every dog has his day.
- Proverb

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill

It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb

Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.