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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Survivor

A man's dying is more his survivor's affair than his own.
- Thomas Mann

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer

Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau

The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer

Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar

The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill

A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.