Funny Quotes about Speeches

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

Speak when you are angry -
and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter

A generous heart, kind speech,
and a life of service and compassion
are the things which renew humanity.
- The Buddha

We do not need to proselytize
either by our speech or by our writing.
We can only do so really with our lives.
Let our lives be open books for all to study.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

People hardly ever make use of the freedom which they have,
for example, freedom of thought;
instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.
- Soren Kierkegaard

The wise ones fashioned speech with their thought,
sifting it as grain is sifted through a sieve.
- The Buddha

Few people know how to take a walk.
The qualifications are endurance,
plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature,
good humor, vast curiosity, good speech,
good silence and nothing too much.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather

Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.
- Henry Ward Beecher

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein

Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated;
you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- David Lloyd George

Prejudice is a two-edged sword.
Like the steel sort of sword, it's very sharp, very useful,
and very dangerous if not properly mastered.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The career of a sage is of two kinds:
He is either honored by all in the world,
Like a flower waving its head,
Or else he disappears into the silent forest.
- Lao Tzu

At the beginning and at the end of love,
the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.
- Jean de la Bruyere

We were given:
Two hands to hold.
Two legs to walk.
Two eyes to see.
Two ears to listen.
But why only one heart?
Because the other was given to someone else.
For us to find.
- Anonymous

You can make more friends in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get other people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie

Falling in love and having a relationship
are two different things.
- Keanu Reeves

The two powers which in my opinion constitute a wise man
are those of bearing and forbearing.
- Epictetus

There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter

There are two means of refuge
from the miseries of life:
music and cats.
- Albert Schweitzer

You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- old proverb often attributed to David Lloyd George

You can close more business in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie

When I am getting ready to reason with a man,
I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself
and what I am going to say
and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.
- Abraham Lincoln

I had three chairs in my house;
one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.
- Henry David Thoreau

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children
One is roots, the other is wings.
- Hodding Carter

It takes two to speak the truth:
one to speak, and another to hear.
- Henry David Thoreau

People generally complain about only two things:
when they have less than yesterday,
and when they have less than their neighbor.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There are always two forces warring against each other within us.
- Paramahansa Yogananda

Friendship is not possible between two women
one of whom is very well dressed.
- Laurie Colwin

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I ...
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Funny Quotes

Follow my Humorous yet Insightful Quote of the Day by Email:

Funny Quotes about Speeches

Funny Quotes