Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner 
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous
Every good relationship, especially marriage, is based on respect.
If it's not based on respect,
nothing that appears to be good will last very long.
- Amy Grant
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck.
If you live through it, you start looking
very carefully to the right and to the left.
- Jean Kerr
The formula for achieving a successful relationship is simple:
you should treat all disasters as if they were trivialities
but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
- Quentin Crisp
Each relationship nurtures a strength or weakness within you.
- Mike Murdock
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
- Larry David
A divorce is like an amputation:
you survive it, but there's less of you.
- Margaret Atwood
For a happy marriage,
love and accept your spouse just the way they are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Make sure you never, never argue at night.
You just lose a good night's sleep,
and you can't settle anything until morning anyway.
- Rose Kennedy
Marriage, ultimately, is the practice of
becoming passionate friends.
- Harville Hendrix
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
The one who loves the least, controls the relationship.
- Robert Anthony
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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