Funny Quotes about One

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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