Funny Quotes about Offense

Do not say, "It is morning,"
and dismiss it with a name of yesterday.
See it for the first time
as a newborn child that has no name.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Have a talk with your mind
(it really is something separate from yourself).
Lay down the law.
"My life begins TODAY.
I am like a newborn.
I have what I have today;
I have my fingers, my toes,
some people in my life,
some material and financial state.
Yesterday is only a dream -
perhaps a nightmare,
perhaps a cherished memory,
but only a dream - nothing more.
I will make all decisions and actions based solely
on what I have today as a starting point."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci

The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill

I do not believe in using women in combat,
because females are too fierce.
- Margaret Mead

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

It is only the poor who pay cash,
and that not from virtue,
but because they are refused credit.
- Anatole France

Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb

As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein

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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Funny Quotes about Offense

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