Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Follow my Humorous yet Insightful Quote of the Day by Email:

Funny Quotes about Jam

See beauty in those unexpected places.
(she asked herself how people could let Bach be background noise.)
See the opportunity in what looks like inconvenience.
(she steered clear of the traffic jam
and went to the bakery she's been meaning to stop at.)
She embraces the undeclared possibility
in what seems like just another ordinary day.
(her friend is scheduled for cancer surgery
and suddenly everything around her seems so very precious.)
- Mary Anne Radmacher

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

Dream as if you'll live forever.
Live as if you'll die today.
- James Dean

I will act as if what I do makes a difference.
- William James

The greatest weapon against stress
is our ability to choose one thought over another.
- William James

Formula to live your dream:
1. Be bold. 2. Begin now, 3. No exceptions.
- William James

Friendship that flows from the heart
cannot be frozen by adversity,
as the water that flows from the spring
cannot congeal in winter.
- James Fenimore Cooper

The right mixture of caring and not caring -
I suppose that's what love is.
- James Hilton

Friendship without self-interest
is one of the rare and beautiful things in life.
- James Francis Byrnes

Don't marry the person you think you can live with;
marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
- James C. Dobson

The greatest discovery of any generation
is that a human being
can alter his life by
altering his attitude
- William James

He who would accomplish much must sacrifice much.
- James Allen

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
- William James

Each and every human being on Earth
has both the responsibility and the privilege
of viewing themselves as Divine beings
with the power to bring about peace.
- James Twyman

You will become as small as your controlling desire;
as great as your dominant aspiration.
- James Allen

Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing,
moving at different speeds.
A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
- William James

Change your thoughts, change your life.
- James Allen

Too many people are thinking of security
instead of opportunity.
They seem more afraid of life than death.
- James F. Bymes

Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does.
Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
- James A. Baldwin

Believe that life is worth living,
and your belief will help create the fact.
- William James

Mistakes are the portals of discovery.
- James Joyce

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

A sister is a gift to the heart,
a friend to the spirit,
a golden thread to the meaning of life.
- Isadora James

Whenever you're in conflict with someone,
there is one factor that can make the difference
between damaging your relationship and deepening it.
That factor is attitude.
- William James

Let us not look back in anger
or forward in fear,
but around in awareness.
- James Thurber

You will never do anything in this world without courage.
It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.
- James Allen

Circumstance does not make the man: it reveals him to himself.
- James Allen

You are today where your thoughts have brought.
- James Allen

Go to the people
Live among them
Learn from them
Love them
Serve them
Plan with them
Start with what they know
Build on what they have.
- Jimmy Yen (Y. C. James Yen)

Life is a long lesson in humility.
- James M. Barrie

Honor bespeaks worth. Confidence begets trust.
Service brings satisfaction.
Cooperation proves the quality of leadership.
- James Cash Penney

No duty is more urgent than that of returning thanks.
- James Allen

A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes.
- James Feibleman

What does it profit, my brethren,
if someone says he has faith but does not have works?
Can faith save him?
- James 2:14

This overcoming of all the usual barriers
between the individual and the Absolute
is the great mystic achievement.
In mystic states we both become one with the Absolute
and we become aware of our oneness.
This is the everlasting and triumphant mystical tradition,
hardly altered by differences of clime or creed.
- William James

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck


Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.