Funny Quotes about Idiots

I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton

Important ideas can come from unexpected places.
We tend to label people - Genius, Idiot,
Socialist, Regressive, Wingnut, Revolutionary, Terrorist.
But it is helpful to remind ourselves to be open
to good ideas - whatever their source.
It is equally important to avoid accepting any idea
merely because we respect that person's
other ideas or accomplishments.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty

As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein

Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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