You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand 
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
He who marries for love without money
has good nights and sorry days.
- Anonymous
If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra
The world's mental.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- the movie A Streetcar Named Desire
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
I believe in equality for everyone,
except reporters and photographers.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.