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Funny Quotes about Drinking

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite
smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol
before, after and if need be during all meals
and in the intervals between them.
- Winston Churchill

I have been brought up and trained to have
the utmost contempt for people who get drunk.
- Winston Churchill

I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

A new friend is like new wine;
when it has aged you will drink it with pleasure.
- Ecclesiastes 9:10

Worthless people live only to eat and drink;
people of worth eat and drink only to live.
- Socrates

Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquility.
- Khalil Gibran

From the way most people live,
one would never guess that humans are beings of free will.
Repetition can be a choice, but often it isn't.
The athlete or pianist who practices the same routine
day after day, year after year, has their eye on a goal.
The unending repetition is a conscious choice
in the pursuit of a life dream.
But what about the sameness of most lives?
Observe the morning commute, the after-work drink,
the Sunday football game or religious service -
how many of those people are consciously following their dream,
training their mind, body, and spirit through that daily repetition?
And how many are mindlessly slogging through each day
out of habit and boredom?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer

A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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