Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields 
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
I believe in equality for everyone,
except reporters and photographers.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau
I didn't make it all the way through third grade for nothing.
- the movie The Rescuers Down Under
This town needs an enema.
- the movie Batman
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein
I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.