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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Cosmos

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

In all chaos there is a cosmos,
in all disorder a secret order.
- Carl Jung

A doctor can bury his mistakes
but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson

The physician can bury his mistakes,
but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines -
so they should go as far as possible from home
to build their first buildings.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

In every society some men are born to rule,
and some to advise.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Trust:
Perhaps you trust your doctor,
your lawyer, your boss - perhaps not.
Perhaps you trust in a "Higher Power" - perhaps you don't.
Trust is something that we become aware of in unusual situations,
such as a once-in-a-lifetime ride on a zip-line,
but most of the time, we become oblivious
to the trust we have, or don't have.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I wanted to be a doctor that I might be able to work
without having to talk
because for years I had been giving myself out in words.
- Albert Schweitzer

Many of us have been conditioned to trust others' opinions
more than our own, and I believe that sort of trust is excessive.
This is especially true with regard to authority figures -
doctors, lawyers, priests. I trust my doctor's intentions toward me,
but I don't blindly follow his suggestions
without checking other sources also.
He was trained to prescribe a pill for everything,
and does it with the best of intentions,
but I often choose to trust God's quiet voice inside me
rather than my doctor's medical advice.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

Force always attracts men of low morality.
- Albert Einstein

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

Gossip and complaint are the underbelly of low conversation.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted,
every hill and mountain shall be made low,
the rough places will be made straight
and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed
and all flesh shall see it together.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Knowledge is happiness, because to have knowledge -
broad, deep knowledge - is to know true ends from false,
and lofty things from low.
- Helen Keller

Religion is more than life. Remember that his own religion
is the truest to every man even if it stands low
in the scales of philosophical comparison.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

What a book a devil's chaplain might write
on the clumsy, wasteful, blundering, low,
and horribly cruel work of nature!
- Charles Darwin

A man's pride shall bring him low,
but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit.
- Proverbs 29:23

While it is natural to feel some degree of
need for the approval of others, be careful.
If you find yourself unwilling to
take actions that others disapprove of,
you have lost control of your own life
and have given your destiny to others.
An excessive need-for-approval
is a sign of low self-esteem,
and in severe cases, a condition termed co-dependency.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

As she passed among the hungry and the dejected,
delivering the rations and water,
she chanted in a low whisper,
"the spark of the mind - the sparkle of the soul" ...
"the spark of the mind - the sparkle of the soul" ...
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him,
for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low,
could still be saved; the bitterest enemy
and also he who was your friend could again be your friend;
love that has grown cold can kindle
- Soren Kierkegaard

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket

We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous

There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people
by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde

There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money
they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers

Most people's historical perspective
begins with the day of their birth.
- Rush Limbaugh

I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Might I perhaps win my wings?
I've been waiting for over 200 years now, sir,
and people ARE beginning to talk.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung

Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston

You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis

In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain

Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams

Most of what we call management consists of
making it difficult for people to get their work done.
- Peter F. Drucker

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw

When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie

History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here."
- Lewis Carroll

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Always do the right thing.
It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

People living their lives for you on TV;
They say they're better than you, and you agree.
- Jewel

I only wish that ordinary people
had an unlimited capacity for doing harm;
then they might have an unlimited power for doing good.
- Socrates

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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