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If you do something once,
by Grace Hopper

If you do something once,
people will call it an accident.
If you do it twice, t
hey call it a coincidence.
But do it a third time, and
you've just proven a natural law.
- Grace Hopper

Humans are allergic to change.
They love to say, "We've always done it this way."
- Grace Hopper

A ship in port is safe,
but that's not what ships are built for.
Sail out to sea and do new things.
- Grace Hopper

If it's a good idea, go ahead and do it.
It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.
- Grace Hopper

It is often easier to ask for forgiveness
than to ask for permission.
- Grace Hopper

One accurate measurement is worth a thousand expert opinions.
- Grace Hopper

The most dangerous phrase in the language is,
"We've always done it this way."
- Grace Hopper

You manage things, you lead people.
- Grace Hopper

Don't try to manage people;
You manage things; You lead people.
- Grace Hopper

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.