If you have only one smile in you,
give it to the people you love.
Don't be surly at home,
then go out in the street
and start grinning good morning
at total strangers.
- Maya Angelou
People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou 
The ache for home lives in all of us,
the safe place where we can
go as we are and not be questioned.
- Maya Angelou
Life is a gift, and I try to respond with grace and courtesy.
- Maya Angelou
Self-pity in its early stages
is as snug as a feather mattress.
Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
- Maya Angelou
The most called-upon prerequisite of a friend is an accessible ear.
- Maya Angelou
Everything has rhythm. everything dances.
- Maya Angelou
If you don't like something, change it,
If you can't change it, change your attitude
- Maya Angelou
There's a world of difference between truth and facts.
Facts can obscure truth.
- Maya Angelou
I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou
One must know not just how to accept a gift,
but with what grace to share it.
- Maya Angelou
I have found that among its other benefits,
giving liberates the soul of the giver.
- Maya Angelou
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler
Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)
You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.