Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Follow my Humorous yet Insightful Quote of the Day by Email:

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers. ...
by Bridget Jones

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

May we so love as never to have occasion
to repent of our love!
- Henry David Thoreau

Determine never to be idle.
No person will have occasion to complain
of the want of time who never loses any.
It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
- Thomas Jefferson

Start living now.
Stop saving the good china
for that special occasion.
Stop withholding your love
until that special person materializes.
Every day you are alive is a special occasion.
Every minute, every breath, is a gift from God.
- Mary Manin Morrissey

The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present.
The occasion is piled high with difficulty,
and we must rise with the occasion.
As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.
- Abraham Lincoln

Let us celebrate the occasion
with wine and sweet words.
- Plautus

I cannot pretend to be impartial about the colors.
I rejoice with the brilliant ones, and
am genuinely sorry for the poor browns.
- Winston Churchill

The people of the world genuinely want peace.
Some day the leaders of the world are going to
have to give in and give it to them.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Follow what you are genuinely passionate about
and let that guide you to your destination.
- Diane Sawyer

In my own deepening understanding of myself
I find my capacity to serve others is deepened as well.
The better I am at self-care
the more genuinely nurturing of others I am able to be.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

What lies behind us and what lies before us
are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Whatever you want in life, start today.
Not tomorrow - today.
Let it be a small beginning - a tiny beginning.
Your happiness depends on starting today - every day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The world is moved along, not only
by the mighty shoves of its heroes,
but also by the aggregate of tiny pushes
of each honest worker.
- Helen Keller

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.
Welcome to my serenity circle.
Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- the movie Shrek the Third (2007)

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

I got a perfect build for clothes.
I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
- the movie Love and Death

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Don't expect me to get excited over
another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck


Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.