No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death
No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Experience keeps a dear school,
but fools will learn in no other.
- Benjamin Franklin
Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell
Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson
You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller
I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain
No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
There is no such thing as public opinion.
There is only published opinion.
- Winston Churchill
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,
for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Albert Einstein
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Less is only more where more is no good.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
The universe we observe has precisely
the properties we should expect
if there is, at bottom, no design,
no purpose, no evil, no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
- Charles Darwin
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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