If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.