I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West
A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The magic words for a great relationship are,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson
Love comforteth like sunshine after rain.
- William Shakespeare
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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