I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -
I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
It's so sweet, I feel like my teeth
are rotting when I listen to the radio.
- Bono
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
Chanting OM is sort of like MOOing backward.
- Anonymous
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
Technological progress is like an axe
in the hands of a pathological criminal.
- Albert Einstein
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
Procrastination is like a credit card:
it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
- Christopher Parker
His answer trickled through my head like water through a sieve.
- Lewis Carroll
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
When life is like a slippery downhill slope,
go skiing and scream Whee... all the way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Self confident independent thinker -
sounds like the makings of a hero.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin
Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole.
- John F. Kennedy
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.