It's a funny thing about life;
if you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde 
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)
For my part, I consider that it will be found much better
by all parties to leave the past to history,
especially as I propose to write that history myself.
- Winston Churchill
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Go ahead, make my day.
- the movie Sudden Impact (1983)
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary (2001)
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
I got a perfect build for clothes.
I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
- the movie Love and Death
From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay
The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2
You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- the movie Tangled (2010)
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
We have always found the Irish a bit odd.
They refuse to be English.
- Winston Churchill
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
Procrastination is the bad habit of putting off
until the day after tomorrow what should
have been done the day before yesterday.
- Napoleon Hill
Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
It's cookies, he smells like cookies,
and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- the movie Michael
Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle.
It's merely waiting to be reupholstered.
- the movie Casino Royale (1966)
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- the movie Simon Birch
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.