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Funny Quotes by Everett Dirksen

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin PHOTO

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell

A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead

We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung

It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.