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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes by Conrad Burns

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall PHOTO

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz PHOTO

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel PHOTO

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec PHOTO

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde PHOTO

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

The difference between school and life?
In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test.
In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson.
- Tom Bodett

No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Life is always lived in the eye-of-the-storm
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher PHOTO

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

To the young child, all life is a great adventure -
when did we grow so dull and brittle.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Life only
appears to be
rushing toward us
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.
- John Lennon

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz in his Peanuts cartoon

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

Life is a journey - enjoy the journey.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It takes a big cat to be number 2.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
- The Buddha

Joy is a choice - but it isn't an easy choice.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I never accepted the idea
that I had to be guided by
some pattern or blueprint.
- Little Richard

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

The life of inner peace,
being harmonious and without stress,
is the easiest type of existence.
- Norman Vincent Peale

Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster

Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

I can't go back to yesterday -
because I was a different person then.
- Lewis Carroll

Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden

A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson

You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra

In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek

Success is failure recycled.
Life is death reborn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung

The book of life is filled with incoherent riddles.
Life's true lessons are inscribed in a corner of the margin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda

You don't have the power to make life "fair,"
but you do have the power to make life joyful.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is without meaning.
You bring the meaning to it.
The meaning of life is
whatever you ascribe it to be.
Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell

A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is a succession of lessons
which must be lived to be understood.
- Helen Keller

Happiness is a figment of the imagination.
Imagine happiness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is lived in the living.
Set aside convention, caution,
and arbitrary "rules" about how
life is supposed to be lived.
Choose! Explore! Adventure!
Live life to the fullest.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

Persevere. Plan. Strategize. Focus. Breathe. Write.
Let go: relax. Forgive. All this failing: take a nap.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

Life is really simple,
but we insist on making it complicated.
- Confucius

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...
It's about learning to Dance in the Rain.
- Vivian Greene

The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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