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Funny Quotes by Cardinal De Retz

A man who doesn't trust himself
can never really trust anyone else.
- Cardinal De Retz

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin PHOTO

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter

I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein

Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell

A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.