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Funny Quotes by Audre Lorde

Guilt is only another way of avoiding informed action.
- Audre Lorde

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

Where there is no accusation of "fault,"
there can be no anger.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

All religions are the same:
Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
- Cathy Ladman

Guilt for being rich,
and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough
and you have to go and get shot or something.
- John Lennon

The Ought-To Need-To Tango:
I am racked with the guilt and the pain of I should,
and I ought, and I can't, but I must.
I can't rest; I can't sleep; I'm just not understood,
and I hate that the world is unjust.
I have work; I have woes; I have troubles for life;
but I don't have a ME that I trust.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Guilt is about actions or behavior;
while shame is about the self.
- "Dr. Sanity"

You go against yourself when you
judge or blame yourself for anything
- don Miguel Ruiz

I Release Myself From All Guilt.
I forgive myself for judging me guilty.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Guilt says I've done something wrong;
... shame says there is something wrong with me.
Guilt says I've made a mistake;
... shame says I am a mistake.
Guilt says what did was not good;
... shame says I am no good.
- John Bradshaw

The Negro needs the white man to free him from his fears.
The white man needs the Negro to free him from his guilt.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Be yourself. There is nothing more for you to do
than to be the best YOU that you can be -
with no imitation, no pretense, no guilt, no shame.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I Release Myself From All Guilt.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I rest in the light of forgiveness.
I forgive myself and others for that
which is done (and better left undone)
and also that which is not done (and better if done).
I give myself permission to enjoy this moment without guilt.
I freely release all uncertainty, regret, and fear.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

You are not your mind. You, a Spiritual BEing,
are neither your mind nor your body.
Mind and body are your tools - to use as you choose.
Sometimes your body appears to have a will of its own,
as when it twitches or pains.
Likewise, your mind often appears to have its own will.
That incessant chattering of regret, disappointment, guilt,
shame, foreboding, worry, and fear
is your Rattlesnake Mind striking off on its own.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Drop guilt! - because to be guilty is to live in hell.
Not being guilty, you will have the freshness
of dewdrops in the early morning sun,
you will have the freshness of lotus petals in the lake,
you will have the freshness of the stars in the night.
Once guilt disappears you will have
a totally different kind of life, luminous and radiant.
You will have a dance to your feet
and your heart will be singing a thousand and one songs.
- Osho

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill PHOTO

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove (1964)

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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