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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Vocation

It is not more vacation we need -
it is more vocation.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

The secret of success is making your vocation your vacation.
- Mark Twain

Many people mistake our work for our vocation.
Our vocation is the love of Jesus.
- Mother Teresa

Sweetest Lord, make me appreciative
of the dignity of my high vocation,
and its many responsibilities.
Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way
to coldness, unkindness, or impatience.
- Mother Teresa

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw

The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill

There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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