Funny Quotes about Victims

Most of us believe that we have
been betrayed by someone outside of us -
in other words someone has done something to hurt us,
been dishonest or broken a promise made:
some trust in some concept was broken.
Indeed someone may have taken an action
that took only their needs into consideration,
they may have not followed through on a promise made,
and they may have not told you the truth.
But their actions have nothing to do with you
and have everything to do with them.
That's why no one can do anything TO you.
They can take actions that involve you that you may not like -
according to your point of view.
But you are not a victim, no way, no how.
- Sheri Rosenthal

Men's actions are too strong for them.
Show me a man who has acted,
and who has not been the victim
and slave of his action.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Funny Quotes about Victims

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