Funny Quotes about Vice

He has all of the virtues I dislike,
and none of the vices I admire.
- Winston Churchill

It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln

If the children are untaught,
their ignorance and vices will in future life
cost us much dearer in their consequences
than it would have done in their
correction by a good education.
- Thomas Jefferson

One can never speak enough of the virtues,
the dangers, the power of shared laughter.
- Francoise Sagan

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues
have never been discovered.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue,
but the parent of all other virtues.
- Cicero

The virtues, like the Muses, are always seen in groups.
A good principle was never found solitary in any breast.
- The Buddha

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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Funny Quotes about Vice

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