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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Newborn

Do not say, "It is morning,"
and dismiss it with a name of yesterday.
See it for the first time
as a newborn child that has no name.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Have a talk with your mind
(it really is something separate from yourself).
Lay down the law.
"My life begins TODAY.
I am like a newborn.
I have what I have today;
I have my fingers, my toes,
some people in my life,
some material and financial state.
Yesterday is only a dream -
perhaps a nightmare,
perhaps a cherished memory,
but only a dream - nothing more.
I will make all decisions and actions based solely
on what I have today as a starting point."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A newborn does not have worry, or stress, or anger,
because they have not yet learned those things.
Consider what life would be like if you could
forget all the past resentments and perceived offenses
that color your thinking and your emotions.
Buddhists call that state "beginner mind" -
an opening to experience life
without the jaundiced filter of past disappointments.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster

Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank

It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin

Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard

Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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