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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Jews

There are righteous people working
in a whole rainbow of belief systems -
from Hasidic Jews to right-wing Bible Belters
to charismatic Catholics.
- Bono

Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,
when he fell into the hands of robbers.
They stripped him of his clothes, beat him
and went away, leaving him half dead.
A priest happened to be going down the same road,
and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
So too, a Levite [religious leader],
when he came to the place and saw him,
passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan [Samaritans and Jews generally disliked
and were suspicious of each other] came where the man was;
and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
He went to him and bandaged his wounds ... and ...
took him to an inn and took care of him. ...
Jesus [said] "Go and do likewise."
- Luke 10:25-37 (The Parable of the Good Samaritan)

All men's souls are immortal,
but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine.
- Socrates

If you believe in forever,
then life is just a one night stand.
- The Righteous Brothers

Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste
the sky as well as the earth.
- Henry David Thoreau

Men have become the tools of their tools.
- Henry David Thoreau

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

It has always been a mystery to me
how men can feel themselves honored
by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Force always attracts men of low morality.
- Albert Einstein

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.
- George Washington

It is an interesting question how far men
would retain their relative rank
if they were divested of their clothes.
- Henry David Thoreau

The means by which we live have outdistanced
the ends for which we live.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.
We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely
only after they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

In every society some men are born to rule,
and some to advise.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Marilyn Monroe

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.
We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.
- Leonardo da Vinci

The only thing necessary for evil to triumph
is for enough good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke

While civilization has been improving our houses,
it has not equally improved
the men who are to inhabit them.
It has created palaces, but it was
not so easy to create noblemen and kings.
- Henry David Thoreau

Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln

When It's Darkest, Men See the Stars.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller

My heart bleeds at the death of every one of our gallant men.
- Robert E. Lee

It is not work that kills men; it is worry.
Worry is rust upon the blade.
- Henry Ward Beecher

The problems of the world cannot possibly
be solved by skeptics or cynics
whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities.
We need men who can dream of things that never were.
- John F. Kennedy

The revelation of thought takes men
out of servitude into freedom.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl

Every kind of peaceful cooperation among men
is primarily based on mutual trust
and only secondarily on institutions
such as courts of justice and police.
- Albert Einstein

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully
as when they do it from religious conviction.
- Blaise Pascal

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
- Elbert Hubbard

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

It takes time to persuade men to do even
what is for their own good.
- Thomas Jefferson

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau

Who never walks save where he sees
men's tracks, makes no discoveries.
- J. G. Holland

I look only to the good qualities of men.
Not being faultless myself,
I won't presume to probe into the faults of others.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Employ your time in improving yourself by other men's writings,
so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.
- Socrates

Men have a respect for scholarship and learning
greatly out of proportion to the use they commonly serve.
- Henry David Thoreau

When men are easy in their circumstances,
they are naturally enemies to innovations.
- Joseph Addison

An association of men who will not quarrel with one another
is a thing which has never yet existed,
from the greatest confederacy of nations
down to a town meeting or a vestry.
- Thomas Jefferson

Only free men can negotiate;
prisoners cannot enter into contracts.
Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.
- Nelson Mandela

Every creature is better alive than dead,
men and moose and pine trees,
and he who understands it aright
will rather preserve its life than destroy it.
- Henry David Thoreau

We believe that if men have the talent
to invent new machines that put men out of work,
they have the talent to put those men back to work.
- John F. Kennedy

Republicans are men of narrow vision,
who are afraid of the future.
- Jimmy Carter

Truth is the property of no individual
but is the treasure of all men.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Behind an able man there are always other able men.
- Chinese proverb

These men ask for just the same thing,
fairness, and fairness only.
This, so far as in my power,
they, and all others, shall have.
- Abraham Lincoln

Men have always detested women's gossip
because they suspect the truth:
their measurements are being taken and compared.
- Erica Jong

Many men go fishing all of their lives
without knowing that it is not fish they are after.
- Henry David Thoreau

When men destroy their old gods,
they will find new ones to take their place.
- Pearl S. Buck

Men in general judge more from
appearances than from reality. All
men have eyes, but few have
the gift of penetration.
- Niccolo Machiavelli

The politician in my country seeks votes,
affection and respect, in that order.
With few notable exceptions,
they are simply men who want to be loved.
- Edward R. Murrow

Habits age men before their time.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Men are not prisoners of fate,
but only prisoners of their own minds.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

More men fail through lack of purpose than lack of talent.
- Billy Sunday

Men kick friendship around like a football,
but it doesn't seem to crack.
Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Little do men perceive what solitude is,
and how far it extendeth.
For a crowd is not company,
and faces are but a gallery of pictures,
and talk but a tinkling cymbal,
where there is no love.
- Francis Bacon

The law will never make a man free;
it is men who have got to make the law free.
- Henry David Thoreau

A nation or civilization that
continues to produce soft-minded men
purchases its own spiritual death
on the installment plan.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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