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Funny Quotes about Investment

If a man empties his purse into his head,
no man can take it away from him.
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.
- Benjamin Franklin

Goodness is the only investment that never fails.
- Henry David Thoreau

The tax on capital gains directly affects investment decisions,
the mobility and flow of risk capital...
the ease or difficulty experienced by new ventures in obtaining capital,
and thereby the strength and potential for growth in the economy.
- John F. Kennedy

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates

The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell

Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln

You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer

It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau

I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.