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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Crimes

It is incontestable and deplorable
that Negroes have committed crimes;
but they are derivative crimes.
They are born of the greater crimes of the white society.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

No crime is so great as daring to excel.
- Winston Churchill

Personally, I have fond memories of playing
on slippery rocks on the banks of a rushing river
as a child and hitchhiking in college.
To those who say, "But times are different now,"
I reply that statistically life is much safer now
than in the 1950s, with regard to both crime and accidents.
What has changed is our attitudes.
In those years, a broken leg from falling off a swing
or the back of a tractor was just part of childhood -
an excuse for gathering autographs.
Today that broken leg would be a source
of outrage and probably lawsuits.
I long for a simpler time when life was taken less seriously.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Every optimist moves along with progress and hastens it,
while every pessimist would keep the worlds at a standstill.
The consequence of pessimism in the life of a nation
is the same as in the life of the individual.
Pessimism kills the instinct that
urges men to struggle against poverty,
ignorance and crime, and dries up
all the fountains of joy in the world.
- Helen Keller

Fear follows crime, and is its punishment.
- Voltaire

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

What we think, we become.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world.
- The Buddha

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

If the facts don't fit the theory,
change the facts.
- Albert Einstein

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

Human beings are the only creatures on the planet
who tell time and think they have to earn a living.
- Buckminster Fuller

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Really I feel less keen about the Army every day.
I think the Church would suit me better.
- Winston Churchill

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong

I don't think the intelligence reports are all that hot.
Some days I get more out of the New York Times.
- John F. Kennedy

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Always speak the truth,
think before you speak,
and write it down afterwards.
- Lewis Carroll

What do I think of Western civilization?
I think it would be a very good idea.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank

If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken

If you can't annoy somebody with what you write,
I think there's little point in writing.
- Kingsley Amis

The most pathetic person in the world
is someone who has sight, but has no vision.
- Helen Keller

The function of education is to teach one
to think intensively and to think critically.
Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Our society is run by insane people for insane objectives.
I think we're being run by maniacs for maniacal ends
and I think I'm liable to be put away as insane for expressing that.
That's what's insane about it.
- John Lennon

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

I used to go away for weeks in a state of confusion.
- Albert Einstein

I don't think of all the misery
but of the beauty that still remains.
- Anne Frank

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are,
or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about.
- Dale Carnegie

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
- Albert Einstein

Anyone who knows history, particularly
the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination
of education or of government
by any one particular religious faith
is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

No written law has ever been more binding
than unwritten custom supported by popular opinion.
- Carrie Chapman Catt

People should think things out fresh
and not just accept conventional terms
and the conventional way of doing things.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Life does not consist mainly,
or even largely, of facts or happenings.
It consist mainly of the storm of thoughts
that is forever flowing through one's head.
- Mark Twain

The most important things in life
are seldom the most obvious.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To kill an error is as good a service as,
and sometimes even better than,
the establishing of a new truth or fact.
- Charles Darwin

Inspire people to do things for themselves.
Inspire people to think for themselves.
- Bono

Farewell My Friend
It was beautiful as long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets whatsoever
save the pain I'll leave behind.
Those dear hearts who love and care...
And the strings pulling at the heart and soul...
The strong arms that held me up
When my own strength let me down.
At every turning of my life
I came across good friends,
Friends who stood by me,
Even when the time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell my friends
I smile and bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears for I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad do think of me
for that's what I'll like
when you live in the hearts
of those you love, remember then
you never die.
- Gitanjali Ghei

People hardly ever make use of the freedom which they have,
for example, freedom of thought;
instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.
- Soren Kierkegaard

I don't know if we each have a destiny,
or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze.
But I, I think maybe it's both.
- the movie Forrest Gump

The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing.
- Publilius Syrus

The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while
and watch your answers change.
- Richard Bach

The value of a principle is the number of things it will explain.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Suffering is everywhere. Don't ever think it isn't.
So are miracles. Don't ever think they aren't.
- Jewel

Few is the number of those
who think with their own mind
and feel with their own heart.
- Albert Einstein

The earth is like a spaceship
that didn't come with an operating manual.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

All truths are easy to understand
once they are discovered;
the point is to discover them.
- Galileo Galilei

The world is more malleable than you think
and it's waiting for you to hammer it into shape.
- Bono

You must do the thing that you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Who made the rule that life has to be so serious?
One would think that "life is serious" had been engraved
upon stone tablets to judge from how most lives are lived.
Get a life, smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat - dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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