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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Quotes about Childbirth

The pains of childbirth were altogether different
from the enveloping effects of other kinds of pain.
These were pains one could follow with one's mind.
- Margaret Mead

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking.
There is an almost universal quest
for easy answers and half-baked solutions.
Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

You are not your mind. You, a Spiritual BEing,
are neither your mind nor your body.
Mind and body are your tools - to use as you choose.
Sometimes your body appears to have a will of its own,
as when it twitches or pains.
Likewise, your mind often appears to have its own will.
That incessant chattering of regret, disappointment, guilt,
shame, foreboding, worry, and fear
is your Rattlesnake Mind striking off on its own.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde

You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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