I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill
And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
- Oscar Wilde
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
- Anonymous
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
Which form of proverb do you prefer
Better late than never, or Better never than late?
- Lewis Carroll
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson
Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
I always pass on good advice.
It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
A person who never made a mistake
never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein
Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid
You never can tell with bees.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda
I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy
Eating words has never given me indigestion.
- Winston Churchill
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden
TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- Anonymous
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
I never accepted the idea
that I had to be guided by
some pattern or blueprint.
- Little Richard
Until you've lost your reputation,
you never realize what a burden it was.
- Margaret Mitchell
Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.
You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.
May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.