Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z
Follow my Humorous yet Insightful Quote of the Day by Email:

Every man and woman is born into the world
by Benjamin E. Mays

Every man and woman is born into the world
to do something unique and something distinctive;
and if he or she does not do it,
it will never be done.
- Benjamin E. Mays

The tragedy of life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal.
The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach.
- Benjamin E. Mays

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard

A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Man's role is uncertain, undefined, and perhaps unnecessary.
- Margaret Mead

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson

You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

A man is usually more careful of his money
than he is of his principles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung


Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.