Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
Treat those who are good with goodness,
and also treat those who are not good with goodness.
Thus goodness is attained.
Be honest to those who are honest,
and be also honest to those who are not honest.
Thus honesty is attained.
- Lao Tzu
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
- Thomas Jefferson
Give your time and efforts freely or not at all.
When you are tempted to say,
"Oh, if I have to, I'll skip my golf game
and watch my daughter play soccer," don't do it.
Either generate the heart-felt emotion
to make the free-will gift,
"I'd love to watch your game today, Sandy,"
or the honesty to decline the request gracefully.
Martyrdom doesn't create happiness
for any of the parties involved.
An honest, "No" is preferable to a coerced "Yes."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Only good comes from being honest and true.
Only harm and suffering come from falsehood.
It doesn't always feel as if good comes from truth and honesty,
but, in the long run, it does.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
Testing oneself is best when done alone.
- Jimmy Carter
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Short words are best
and the old words, when short, are best of all.
- Winston Churchill
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
Speak when you are angry -
and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter
The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
When you have got an elephant by the hind legs
and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.
- Abraham Lincoln
We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing.
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
That's what Tiggers do best!
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
If you refuse to accept anything but the best,
you very often get it.
- Somerset Maugham
The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.
- Jacqueline Schiff
Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield
The best argument against democracy is
a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill
Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller
Best Friends: we're a parade - even by ourselves!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
You may call God love, you may call God goodness.
But the best name for God is compassion.
- Meister Eckhart
Life is best when I wish neither to hurry the future nor to slow it.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Simply do your best, and you will avoid
self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
- don Miguel Ruiz
To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu
You have to accept whatever comes
and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage
and with the best that you have to give.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The best way to predict the future is to create it.
- Peter F. Drucker
Know the best and highest choices for health
and more often choose those things.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- Dale Carnegie
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy
is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet,
alone with the heavens, nature and God.
Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be.
- Anne Frank
Today is a day to cover your best weapons in velvet.
Go gently into the world.
Hold your anger.
Keep your competitive spirit in check.
Some day you will need your fierce weapons,
but not today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I have lost my seven best friends,
which is to say that God has had mercy on me
seven times without realizing it.
He lent a friendship, took it from me, and sent me another.
- Jean Cocteau
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.