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Funny Quotes by Joseph Epstein

All men and women are born, live, suffer and die;
what distinguishes us one from another is our dreams,
whether they be dreams about worldly or unworldly things,
and what we do to make them come about.
We do not choose to be born.
We do not choose our parents.
We do not choose our historical epoch,
the country of our birth,
or the immediate circumstances of our upbringing.
We do not, most of us, choose to die;
nor do we choose the time and conditions of our death.
But within this realm of choicelessness, we do choose how we live.
- Joseph Epstein

Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- Marilyn Monroe

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely
only after they have exhausted all other alternatives.
- Abba Eban

Men have become the tools of their tools.
- Henry David Thoreau

The means by which we live have outdistanced
the ends for which we live.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.
We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau PHOTO

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac.
Doctors think she may be faking.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Force always attracts men of low morality.
- Albert Einstein

It is an interesting question how far men
would retain their relative rank
if they were divested of their clothes.
- Henry David Thoreau

Few men have virtue to withstand the highest bidder.
- George Washington

It has always been a mystery to me
how men can feel themselves honored
by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power.
We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

In every society some men are born to rule,
and some to advise.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thank God men cannot fly, and lay waste
the sky as well as the earth.
- Henry David Thoreau

When It's Darkest, Men See the Stars.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson PHOTO

The only thing necessary for evil to triumph
is for enough good men to do nothing.
- Edmund Burke PHOTO

While civilization has been improving our houses,
it has not equally improved
the men who are to inhabit them.
It has created palaces, but it was
not so easy to create noblemen and kings.
- Henry David Thoreau

Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln PHOTO

Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller

Who never walks save where he sees
men's tracks, makes no discoveries.
- J. G. Holland

I look only to the good qualities of men.
Not being faultless myself,
I won't presume to probe into the faults of others.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men.
No machine can do the work of one extraordinary man.
- Elbert Hubbard

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
- Henry David Thoreau

The problems of the world cannot possibly
be solved by skeptics or cynics
whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities.
We need men who can dream of things that never were.
- John F. Kennedy

It takes time to persuade men to do even
what is for their own good.
- Thomas Jefferson

Every kind of peaceful cooperation among men
is primarily based on mutual trust
and only secondarily on institutions
such as courts of justice and police.
- Albert Einstein

My heart bleeds at the death of every one of our gallant men.
- Robert E. Lee

It is not work that kills men; it is worry.
Worry is rust upon the blade.
- Henry Ward Beecher

The revelation of thought takes men
out of servitude into freedom.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully
as when they do it from religious conviction.
- Blaise Pascal

We believe that if men have the talent
to invent new machines that put men out of work,
they have the talent to put those men back to work.
- John F. Kennedy

The politician in my country seeks votes,
affection and respect, in that order.
With few notable exceptions,
they are simply men who want to be loved.
- Edward R. Murrow

When men destroy their old gods,
they will find new ones to take their place.
- Pearl S. Buck

Every creature is better alive than dead,
men and moose and pine trees,
and he who understands it aright
will rather preserve its life than destroy it.
- Henry David Thoreau

There are times, sir, when men of good conscience
cannot blindly follow orders.
- Captain Picard, STAR TREK: The Next Generation

Though force can protect in emergency,
only justice, fairness, consideration and cooperation
can finally lead men to the dawn of eternal peace.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Men are what their mothers made them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

How could man rejoice in victory
and delight in the slaughter of men?
- Lao Tzu

Men are born to succeed, not to fail.
- Henry David Thoreau

Man becomes great exactly in the degree
in which he works for the welfare of his fellow-men.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Just as a candle cannot burn without fire,
men cannot live without a spiritual life.
- The Buddha

The highest proof of the spirit is love.
Love is the eternal thing which men can already
on earth possess as it really is.
- Albert Schweitzer

Men and women are not prisoners of fate,
but only prisoners of their own minds.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Good men must not obey the laws too well.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Little do men perceive what solitude is,
and how far it extendeth.
For a crowd is not company,
and faces are but a gallery of pictures,
and talk but a tinkling cymbal,
where there is no love.
- Francis Bacon

Shallow men believe in luck.
Strong men believe in cause and effect.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Republicans are men of narrow vision,
who are afraid of the future.
- Jimmy Carter

The history of free men is never really written by chance
but by choice; their choice!
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Achievement seems to be connected with action.
Successful men and women keep moving.
They make mistakes, but they don't quit.
- Conrad Hilton

Great men or men of great gifts
you shall easily find,
but symmetrical men never.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

As our enemies have found, we can reason like men,
so now let us show them we can fight like men also.
- Thomas Jefferson

Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

In the long run, men hit only what they aim at.
Therefore, they had better aim at something high.
- Henry David Thoreau

Do not pray for easy lives.
Pray to be stronger men.
- John F. Kennedy

If you would convince a man that he does wrong, do right.
Men will believe what they see.
- Henry David Thoreau

Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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