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Funny Quotes by John Paul Jones

We have not yet begun to fight.
- John Paul Jones

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

The wine of youth does not always
clear with advancing years;
sometimes it grows turbid.
- Carl Jung

I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank

For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.